literally had 100 drinks last night.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
i think im in europe. pls send help
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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