Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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