It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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