I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
