My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
