I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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