I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
