The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
