God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Randomize
