I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
