and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
