remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize