She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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