it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize