Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
