Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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