If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
