I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
