$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize