Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
