Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
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