You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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