My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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