a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
