im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
