I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
