I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
