I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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