Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
