Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
