and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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