You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
