So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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