I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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