broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
