I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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