just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
