Kiss
Puke
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
