There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize