Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
