you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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