I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
she told me i tasted like america
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Someone stole a lamp last night.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
