All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
