he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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