At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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