Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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