Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
