my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
