I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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