My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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