best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I currently don't understand fingers.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize