hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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