Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
