I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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