Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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