I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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