Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
