Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
