I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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