the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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