Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
