hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
