the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
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