My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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